One more blog on Boundaries in Marriage.

To this point what’s been covered in the blog/videos is how boundaries in marriages can be used to help both partners have a voice in the relationship.  But when we emphasize this, there’s plenty of potential for misunderstanding.  I think the greatest potential misunderstanding we have is to interpret boundaries as a method of getting our spouse to do what we want.  But boundaries are first about us. 

Here’s an example.  The couple’s fictional, but the issue is real.  When Bill and Brenda got married, Bill wasn’t really ready to “leave and cleave”.  He came from a tight-knit family while Brenda was more independent.  Over the next three years, Bill consistently made the decision to be with his family on holidays, vacations and lots of other times.  When they would talk about their plans for the weekend or the vacation, Brenda would tell Bill she wanted to be with her family, or she wanted to do something with friends, but Bill would always come up with a reason they had to be with his family.  Brenda didn’t like it, but didn’t want to make waves so she silently endured as her frustration grew.  She would become more resentful, sullen and withdrawn each time they were with his family.  Bill felt hurt and frustrated by the change in his normally cheerful and sweet wife.  This was becoming a big area of conflict in their marriage.

Finally, Brenda made a decision.  She took last year’s calendar and added up all of the times they had been with Bill’s family and all of the times they had done what she wanted to do.  Then she and Bill had a talk.  She told him “I love you and I’m willing to spend some time with your family.  But over the last year we were with your family 46 weekends and both of our vacations.  That shows me that my desires for what I do with our free time aren’t being honored.  So this year I am willing to be with your family 23 weekends and for one of our vacations.  The other times I will to choose where we go or what we do.  If you choose to be with your family more than this I won’t come along.”

As you might guess, this wasn’t very popular with Bill.  But over the next year Brenda stuck to her commitment.  When Bill made it clear he wasn’t going to limit the number of weekends he was with his family, Brenda began taking some weekends for herself.  And before long Bill realized he missed being with his wife, especially since she was becoming less resentful, sullen, and withdrawn.  He decided to work out a mutually agreeable schedule with her for their time off.

In this story Brenda established some boundaries in the relationship, but she began by establishing boundaries in herself.  She didn’t want to stand up to Bill and she didn’t want to be without him during her time off.  But she realized that she needed to do these things for the good of the relationship.  Also, consistent with Jesus’ words in Matthew 7:5, Brenda needed to deal with her own issues before she could help someone else.  She needed to be proactive in addressing her resentment and anger and her fear of conflict so that she could help her husband.  She needed to work on a boundary within herself before she worked on a boundary with her husband.

In the story, what Brenda did was to take ownership of her life.  She had to take Cloud and Townsend’s advice: “We must become more deeply concerned about our own issues than our spouse’s.”  

Being more deeply concerned about my own issues moves the opportunity to change back to me.  As long as I am focused on my wife’s problems, and how she needs to change I am conveniently overlooking my own problems.  And I’m not able to change her anyhow; the person I have the most ability to change is me.  But even more than my own abilities, my best opportunity for personal change and growth comes from acknowledging to God that I’m not able to do it on my own, and that I need Jesus’ help.

Another good effect of setting boundaries on ourselves is that we free our spouse to choose to grow.  In the story of Bill and Brenda, as long as Brenda went along with Bill’s immature approach to separating from his family of origin, he didn’t have to choose between his family and her.  After she set the boundary of limiting the time with his family, Bill can choose to mature (separate from his parents).  

So setting boundaries with ourselves (choosing and doing things we may prefer not to do) for the good of our relationships will often allow for improvements in our marriage.  But I should point out that our spouse may not choose the path of growth.  What then?  You have still set up a boundary to make the relationship better for you, and you have grown from doing it.  Continue to pray, God isn’t through with any of us yet.

I hope to finish up boundaries next time.

To end this segment on listening I want take one more swing at the selfishness topic.  It’s fitting right now since I just got done talking about pride.  And pride – the destructive kind the Bible talks about – is generally rooted in selfishness. 

Author and conference speaker Paul Tripp says the issues usually identified as sources of marital discord are simply locations where a deeper problem reveals itself.  And that deeper problem is selfishness. 

All of the barriers to communication I’ve discussed to this point can be overcome.  I’ve even talked about some ways to overcome them.  But while techniques to improve listening skills may be simple, they are not easy.  They require change.  Change takes effort, effort doing something that is contrary to our inclinations.  To do something contrary to our inclination takes self-discipline.  In Biblical language that’s “dying to self” (Galatians 2:20, Luke 9:23).  To die to self we can’t be selfish.

If this sounds too hard, I encourage you to think about the following statistics:

• The rate of child abuse in single parent households is nearly twice the rate of child abuse in two parent households.
• 7.4 percent of children who live with one parent have been sexually abused, vs 4.2 percent of children who live with both biological parents.
• In one study 62-68% of men and 68% of women confessed to being unfaithful.
• Same study: about 40% of Christian couples have had infidelity by time they are 40.

Does that sound like the kind of heartache you want, or that you want to cause?

So if dying to self sounds like something you want, the obvious question is “How do I do this?”

Jesus said to anyone who comes after Him “…let him deny himself…” (Mat 16:24, Mar 8:34, Luke 9:23).  Practice in self-denial will help us to build the emotional muscle that allows us to work on our own selfishness.  In my experience a lack of self-discipline in one area of life tends to bleed over into other areas.  But likewise, practice of discipline in one area of life tends to equip me for discipline in other areas.  It might be one of the reasons fasting has been a practice of Christ-followers throughout the centuries.  Denying a legitimate physical desire in one area of our life can give us greater resolve in other areas. 

But more importantly than this, in each of the three gospels referenced above, Jesus makes self-denial and “…tak[ing] up his cross…” a condition of discipleship.  Paul tells the Corinthian church the same thing in 2Co 5:15”so that they who live might no longer live for themselves, but for Him who died…”  This is a pointed directive from Jesus: if we claim to be one of his followers we must be in the process of no longer living only for ourselves.  So if people close to you would characterize you as selfish, ask yourself if you’re really following Jesus.  And if you  have a pattern of choosing selfishness, it may shed so light on why your close relationships are in trouble.

A couple of other thoughts about this.  First, in an abusive relationship, one person may be choosing selflessness but the other accuses them of being selfish.  Outside perspective can be really helpful in these situations.  Second, cross bearing speaks of enduring hardship, trial or pain.  Just like in Christian discipleship, the person who marries for life must expect to have to deny themselves sometimes.  But note: if you have left an abusive relationship please don’t take guilt from anything I wrote above!!!

One final comment:

I knew a couple who had gone through the death of their two-year-old son.  Statistics for couples experiencing this kind of trauma are not good.  Divorce rates can be up to 8 times the norm according to one study.  But observing this couple one day when we visited their church, it was easy to see that they loved each other.  I asked the husband how they had beat the odds and his advice was priceless.  “You just can’t be selfish” he replied.